A breakup can feel like the end of the world. The sadness is overwhelming. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't imagine feeling normal again.
This is grief. It's painful, but it's also temporary. The problem is, when you're in the middle of it, you can't tell if you're healing or stuck.
Tracking helps.
What's normal after a breakup
Feeling terrible after a breakup isn't a disorder—it's a normal human response to loss. You're grieving a relationship, a future you imagined, a part of your daily life.
Common experiences in the first weeks:
- Persistent sadness or crying
- Difficulty sleeping (or sleeping too much)
- Loss of appetite (or emotional eating)
- Trouble concentrating
- Replaying conversations and memories
- Physical aches, especially in the chest
- Feeling like you'll never be okay again
These symptoms overlap with depression, which is why it's confusing. The difference is trajectory: grief gradually lifts. Depression gets stuck.
How long recovery takes
There's no universal timeline. Research shows significant individual variation:
- Some people feel substantially better within 3 weeks
- Most people feel better within 3-6 months
- Some take a year or longer
- A small percentage develop prolonged symptoms that don't lift
Studies have identified different recovery patterns:
- Resilience: Minimal disruption, quick return to baseline
- Fast recovery: Significant initial distress that resolves within weeks
- Slow recovery: Gradual improvement over months
- Chronic distress: Symptoms that don't improve or worsen
You won't know which pattern you're following without tracking.
What affects recovery time
Several factors predict slower recovery:
How the relationship ended. Feeling betrayed, blindsided, or rejected tends to prolong recovery compared to mutual or anticipated endings.
Rumination. Research found high ruminators—people who replay events obsessively—need about 30% longer to return to baseline mood.
Attachment style. Anxious attachment (needing lots of reassurance, fearing abandonment) is associated with longer, more intense breakup distress.
Relationship length and intensity. Longer, more enmeshed relationships typically take longer to recover from.
Support system. Isolation extends recovery; social connection speeds it.
Pre-existing mental health. If you had depression or anxiety before the relationship, you're more vulnerable to prolonged symptoms after.
None of these factors mean you won't recover. They just affect the timeline.
What to track
Use a standard depression assessment:
- PHQ-9 — The most widely used depression screen (see what your PHQ-9 score means)
- DASS-21 — Covers depression, anxiety, and stress (see what your DASS-21 score means)
Track weekly for the first two months, then every two weeks or monthly as you stabilize.
Also note:
- Sleep quality
- Appetite/eating patterns
- Social activity (are you seeing people or isolating?)
- Rumination level (how much time spent replaying/obsessing?)
What to look for in your data
Healthy recovery: Scores start high and gradually decline over weeks or months. There might be spikes (an anniversary, seeing your ex, a triggering song) but the overall trend is downward.
Stuck pattern: Scores stay elevated for 6+ weeks without improvement. Or they start to improve, then plateau and stay there.
Worsening pattern: Scores are climbing instead of falling. Initial grief is becoming something deeper.
When grief becomes depression
Grief after a breakup usually improves on its own. Depression often doesn't.
Warning signs that grief has shifted into clinical depression:
- Symptoms persist beyond 6 months without improvement
- PHQ-9 scores consistently at 10 or above
- Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
- Inability to function at work or in daily life
- Complete loss of interest in everything, not just relationship-related things
- Persistent feelings of worthlessness beyond "I miss them"
If you see these patterns in your tracking, it's time to talk to a mental health professional. Depression is treatable—but it often needs treatment, not just time.
The rumination trap
Rumination is replaying the relationship, the breakup, what you could have done differently. Some reflection is healthy. Obsessive rumination keeps you stuck.
Track how much time you spend ruminating. If it's hours a day, weeks after the breakup, that's a flag. Interventions like therapy (especially CBT), exercise, and deliberate distraction can help break the cycle.
Your mental health scores often correlate with rumination levels. Reducing one tends to reduce the other.
What helps (according to research)
Social connection. Even if you don't want to talk about the breakup, spending time with people helps. Isolation extends recovery.
Physical activity. Exercise has consistent effects on depression and anxiety. It's one of the most reliable interventions.
Allowing the feelings. Suppressing emotions often backfires. Acknowledging grief (without wallowing indefinitely) supports healing.
Routine. Maintaining structure—sleep schedule, meals, work, activities—provides stability when emotions are chaotic.
Limiting rumination. Easier said than done, but deliberate strategies (distraction, time limits on thinking about it, journaling to externalize) help.
Not rushing. Pressure to "get over it" faster often backfires. Healing takes the time it takes.
Why tracking helps
When you're heartbroken, you can't see progress. Every day feels the same. The pain seems permanent.
But if your PHQ-9 was 16 three weeks ago and it's 11 now, that's a 5-point drop. That's clinically significant improvement. It might not feel dramatically different, but something is shifting.
That data provides:
- Evidence that you're healing when emotions say you're not
- Early warning if grief is becoming something more serious
- A record you can share with a therapist if you seek help
- Context for the ups and downs (oh, that spike was the week I ran into them)
Getting started
1. Take a baseline. Within the first few days after the breakup, complete the PHQ-9 or DASS-21. This captures where you're starting.
2. Track weekly. Same day each week. Note your score and any relevant context.
3. Review monthly. Look at the trend. Is it going down? Flat? Up?
4. Give it time. Most people need at least 3 months to see substantial improvement. Don't panic if week 2 looks like week 1.
5. Get help if needed. If scores aren't improving after 6-8 weeks, or if they're getting worse, talk to someone.
Breakups are supposed to hurt. But the hurt is supposed to fade. Tracking shows you whether that's happening—and catches it early if it's not.
Related guides
- How to track mental health over time — General principles for tracking
- Tracking mental health through divorce — Similar patterns with additional complexities
- Tracking grief after loss — Relationship endings involve grief
- Tracking mental health after job loss — Multiple life changes often coincide