You lost someone. A parent, partner, child, friend. The grief is overwhelming—a weight that never lifts.
Everyone says it takes time. But how much time? And how do you know if what you're experiencing is normal grief or something that needs more help?
Tracking won't make grief go away. But it can show you whether you're moving through it—or stuck.
There is no timeline for grief
This needs to be said upfront: grief doesn't follow a schedule. The old models—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—suggest a neat progression, but that's not how grief actually works.
Grief is fluid. It ebbs and surges. You might feel okay for a week, then get ambushed by a song or a smell. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can trigger fresh waves years later.
"Getting over" grief isn't really the goal. The goal is integrating the loss into your life—carrying it without being crushed by it.
That said, for most people, the most intense acute grief does gradually ease over months. The pain doesn't disappear, but its grip loosens. Life becomes possible again.
What normal grief looks like
In the early weeks and months, grief can include:
- Deep sadness and frequent crying
- Difficulty sleeping
- Appetite changes
- Trouble concentrating
- Feeling disconnected from others
- Yearning intensely for the person
- Replaying memories and conversations
- Difficulty imagining the future
- Physical symptoms—aches, fatigue, tightness in the chest
These experiences are painful, but they're not pathological. They're the natural response to profound loss.
For most people, these symptoms gradually become less constant and less overwhelming. You don't stop missing the person, but you find ways to function and eventually re-engage with life.
When grief becomes prolonged grief disorder
About 7-15% of bereaved people experience prolonged grief disorder (sometimes called complicated grief)—grief that doesn't ease and begins to interfere with functioning.
Symptoms of prolonged grief disorder:
- Intense longing or yearning that persists daily
- Difficulty accepting the death, even after a year
- Feeling like part of you died too
- Emotional numbness or detachment
- Feeling life is meaningless without them
- Avoiding reminders that they're gone
- Bitterness or anger about the death
- Difficulty trusting others or feeling connected
- Inability to pursue interests or plan for the future
The key distinction is time and function. After 12 months in adults (6 months in children/adolescents), if these symptoms are still constant and preventing normal life, it may be prolonged grief disorder.
Risk factors include:
- Sudden or violent death
- Loss of a child
- Highly dependent relationship
- History of depression or anxiety
- Limited social support
- Prior trauma or losses
What to track
Standard depression assessments capture many grief symptoms:
- PHQ-9 — Depression symptoms (see what your PHQ-9 score means)
- DASS-21 — Depression, anxiety, and stress (see what your DASS-21 score means)
For grief specifically, also track:
- Intensity of yearning/longing (1-10 scale)
- Ability to function (work, daily tasks, relationships)
- Avoidance behaviors
- Whether you can access positive memories or only pain
Track monthly rather than weekly. Grief fluctuates too much for weekly data to be meaningful. Monthly gives you enough distance to see real trends.
What to look for in the data
Gradual improvement: Scores that slowly decline over months, even with occasional spikes. This is healthy grieving—painful but progressing.
Plateau: Scores that don't improve after 6+ months. You've stabilized but haven't progressed. This might be okay, or it might indicate you're stuck.
No improvement after a year: Scores that remain elevated 12 months after the loss, especially with daily symptoms interfering with life. This suggests prolonged grief disorder.
Worsening over time: Scores climbing rather than falling. Depression or complicated grief may be developing.
Grief and depression overlap
Grief and depression share many symptoms: sadness, sleep problems, appetite changes, difficulty concentrating. But they're different:
Grief: Sadness comes in waves, often triggered by reminders of the person. You can still feel other emotions—sometimes even joy. The pain is specifically about the loss.
Depression: Sadness is constant and pervasive. Nothing brings relief. Self-worth plummets. The pain generalizes beyond the specific loss.
They can also coexist. About 20% of bereaved people develop major depression, which is separate from (though triggered by) the grief.
Tracking helps distinguish them. If PHQ-9 scores stay above 10 after several months, especially with symptoms like worthlessness or persistent inability to feel pleasure in anything, depression may be developing alongside grief.
When to seek help
Consider professional support if:
- Symptoms are still constant and intense after 12 months
- You're unable to function at work or in daily life
- You're avoiding all reminders of the person in ways that limit your life
- You're using alcohol or drugs to cope
- You're having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
- You're isolating completely from others
- Depression symptoms are prominent (worthlessness, pervasive hopelessness)
Prolonged grief disorder has specific treatments that help—grief-focused therapy is different from general depression treatment. Getting the right help matters.
The purpose of tracking
Tracking grief might feel strange. You're not trying to "optimize" mourning or rush through it.
The purpose is awareness:
- See progress you can't feel. When you're in it, every day feels the same. Data shows the gradual shift.
- Catch concerning patterns. A year without improvement isn't something to power through alone.
- Inform decisions. If scores suggest you're stuck, you can seek support earlier.
- Provide context. Spikes often correlate with dates—their birthday, the anniversary. Seeing this pattern helps you prepare.
Getting started
1. Wait a few weeks. In the immediate aftermath of loss, don't worry about tracking. Just survive.
2. Take a baseline. A month or two after the loss, complete the PHQ-9 or DASS-21.
3. Track monthly. Same time each month. Note the score and any context (anniversary, holiday, major trigger).
4. Review at 6 months. Is there any improvement? Even small improvements are a good sign.
5. Review at 12 months. If scores are still highly elevated and daily life is impaired, consider grief-focused therapy.
6. Be patient with yourself. Grief takes whatever time it takes. Tracking isn't about speeding up—it's about making sure you're not stuck.
Grief never fully ends. You'll carry this loss forever. But how you carry it can change. Tracking helps you see that change—or recognize when you need help carrying the weight.
Related guides
- How to track mental health over time — General principles for tracking
- Tracking mental health through divorce — Divorce involves grief
- Tracking your mental health after a breakup — Relationship loss and grief
- Tracking mental health while caregiving — Grief during caregiving